


Break Some Bread For All My Sins

by Angel Ascending (angel_in_ink)



Series: Beau Week 2019 [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beau Doesn't Have The Best Coping Mechanisms, Crying, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Ends With Cuddles and Feelings, Fighting, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Sleep Paralysis, Takes Place During The Downtime In Episode 31
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_in_ink/pseuds/Angel%20Ascending
Summary: When Beau opened her eyes again, forcing herself awake to escape the dark tangle of her dreams, there was something sitting on her chest. She could feel the weight of it, so heavy that she couldn’t move, could barely breathe, her eyes straining in the darkness. Was that the curve of a horn? Were those red eyes, glowing in the dark?“Molly.” It was barely a whisper, but just like that the figure vanished and Beau could move again, could sit up in bed and breathe even though she could still feel that weight on her chest, as heavy as six feet of dirt on top of her. She realized that she had a hand clamped over her mouth, and she wasn’t sure if it was to silence a scream or a sob but she’d be damned if she woke Jester up. A second later she was pulling on clothes and boots and heading out the window instead of taking the stairs, just like old times, when she was young and sneaking out of her parent’s house, too angry and young and wild to sleep. Just like then, she needed a drink or a fight or a fuck, anything to make her head be quiet, anything so she wouldn’t have to feel the weight on her chest.





	Break Some Bread For All My Sins

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to do a kind of spiritual sequel to [Blood In The Cut](http://archiveofourown.org/works/14299215) for awhile now, and Beau week was apparently the inspiration I needed to do so. I do recommend reading that before reading this, because a lot of Beau's flashbacks directly reference it. I also reference some bits from Things You See In A Graveyard and The Last Word, and man re-reading those was a nostalgia trip. I miss writing those two being asshole siblings together. 
> 
> The prompt for this one was hurt/comfort, and I doubled down on the comfort on this one. 
> 
> There's a bit of possible Beau/Jester in here, but I wasn't sure if it was enough to warrant a tag.

“Beau? Are you still awake?”

Beau didn’t roll over in bed, just continued staring up at ceiling. She’d been training at the Cobalt Soul Archives for four day, and every night she had gone to sleep as soon as her head had hit the pillow. Now though, back in the familiar rooms of the Leaky Tap and with Jester next to her, now she couldn’t sleep. “Yeah.”

“I’m really glad you’re back,” Jester whispered. “Having Nott as a roommate was nice, but it wasn’t the same, you know?”

Beau felt guilt settle into her chest. As soon as they had gotten back to Zadash she had just thrown herself back into training, focusing on that so she didn’t have to think about anything else. She had been so _angry_ when she had found out that Fjord had left without a word, but she had left too, hadn’t she? “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“Oh it’s okay!” Jester said much too quickly. “I know you were off doing, like, secret monk things.”

“I think I can punch ghosts now,” Beau said. “And I can punch the truth out of people. It’s kind of amazing.”

“That sounds really cool,” Jester said, her voice softer than before. “I’m really glad you’re back though,” she said again.

“I’m glad to be back,” Beau said, still staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t as if she would have been able to see Jester’s eyes in the dark, but Jester would have been able to see _her_ eyes, and all the apologies that threatened to spill out of them. Sorry she hadn’t been here. Sorry they hadn’t been able to rescue them sooner. Sorry she hadn’t been awake that night when they were taken. Sorry she hadn’t been able to save—

Beau squeezed her eyes shut, desperately willing her brain to just stop _thinking_ so she could _sleep._

When Beau opened her eyes again, forcing herself awake to escape the dark tangle of her dreams, there was something sitting on her chest. She could feel the weight of it, so heavy that she couldn’t move, could barely breathe, her eyes straining in the darkness. Was that the curve of a horn? Were those red eyes, glowing in the dark?

“ _Molly_.” It was barely a whisper, but just like that the figure vanished and Beau could move again, could sit up in bed and breathe even though she could still feel that weight on her chest, as heavy as six feet of dirt on top of her. She realized that she had a hand clamped over her mouth, and she wasn’t sure if it was to silence a scream or a sob but she’d be damned if she woke Jester up. A second later she was pulling on clothes and boots and heading out the window instead of taking the stairs, just like old times, when she was young and sneaking out of her parent’s house, too angry and young and wild to sleep. Just like then, she needed a drink or a fight or a fuck, anything to make her head be quiet, anything so she wouldn’t have to feel the weight on her chest.

She felt her fists clench as soon as her boots hit the cobblestone streets. It was late and the air was chill enough to hold the promise of snow, but the street lamps were still lit, and there were still a few people going to and from houses and bars, people that took one look at her and gave her a wide berth. She found herself in front of the Evening Nip before she knew it, one hand outstretched to open the door before she pulled it back. They had been here their first night back in Zadash, all of them, and it had been fine then. No, not fine, not actually fine, but they had been _together._ There had been talking and there had been laughter and they had drunk to Molly’s memory and it had felt almost good. Necessary. And now? Now it would just be her, alone, in a place where they _all_ had been once. And what if Cree was there? She’d want to talk about _Lucien_ and Beau knew that if she heard that name coming out of Cree’s mouth that she was going to straight up lose it. She wanted a fight, but preferably against someone who didn’t have freaky blood powers.

So Beau went to a different bar, and then another bar, and another bar, and that bar lead to a basement, and there was blood and fists against flesh and the ache of bruised knuckles and someone unconscious at her feet again and again and again and—

*********

Beau wandered down a gravel path, her ears ringing, every inch of her aching. Her throat burned and she tasted bile and blood on her tongue as she squinted at her surroundings. She didn’t remember leaving the basement, didn’t remember walking to wherever she was now, with its gravel paths and tall shapes looming in the darkness. There was something warm dripping down her face and something cold falling on her shoulders. Beau’s head lolled back as she looked up at the sky, at the white flakes falling down and melting on her cheeks. Snow. It was snowing. Was that why she was shaking? Was she cold? She didn’t feel anything but the sharp, sweet ache of her bruises.

“Miss Beau?”

Beau whirled around, catching a glimpse of purple light and pink hair as the world lurched one way and her stomach lurched another. A second later she was on her hands and knees, the light dusting of snow melting against her palms as she retched into the grass. She was dimly aware of a large hand on her back, a tender weight that was meant to comfort and just made her face heat with embarrassment. “I’m fine,” she rasped, the words stinging her throat as she lifted her head. Now that there was more light, she realized where she was, the former shadows revealing themselves to be gravestones. Shit. “Sorry,” she muttered to the grave she had just thrown up on.

“Miss Beau, I think you’re a very long way from fine,” Caduceus said gently, and then he was lifting her to her feet. Beau winced at the bright light coming from Caduceus’s staff as she looked around. Everything looked overly bright and strangely blurry, but also familiar.

“I’ve been here before,” Beau said, looking up at Caduceus, who was crouching slightly so he could look her in the eyes. “Molly and I— we were so fucking high, and all he wanted to do was find a graveyard.” She remembered his hand in hers, dragging her along. “He was so excited.”

“Mmmhmmm,” Caduceus hummed. “Is your vision blurry at all? Is there a ringing in your ears?” He reached out with one of his large, gentle hands and touched one of her temples. “It looks like someone hit you right here.”

“Yes, yes, and yes,” Beau said. “That’s what happens when you get into a fight. You punch someone, and someone punches you, and then you keep doing that until you can’t hit each other any more.”

“Slurred speech,” Caduceus said as if to himself. “Okay, let’s just take care of that to start with…”

A warmth flowed out from Caduceus’s hand and Beau’s vision cleared as the ringing in her ears stopped and the pain of her head eased. Those things she was thankful for. The fact that she went from very drunk to instantly sober in the process, however…

_“Hey Beau?” Molly had grinned at her, his tail lashing like a mischievous cat. “Can I try something weird?” And then he had reached out a hand and she had gone from drunk to only slightly drunk in an instant, and there had been a puddle of_ **_something_ ** _on the floor between them. He had laughed, delighted. “I wouldn’t try drinking that!”_

_“_ Not cool,” Beau muttered. “You should ask before sobering someone up.” Fuck, she sounded like an ungrateful asshole. “But um, thanks for the rest of it.”

“You had a concussion,” Caduceus said gently as he withdrew his hand. “Sobering you up was just a side effect of taking care of that.” He took a closer look at her and frowned. “Why are you out so late? Did you go out drinking and get mugged?”

_Molly sat across from her as blood dripped into her eyes. “I’m going to ask you once, Beau, and I’d rather like for you to tell me the truth without me having to charm it out of you. Did you go looking for a fight, or did the fight find you?”_

“I couldn’t sleep,” Beau said. “Why were _you_ out here?” She gestured towards the graves. “Feeling homesick?” She meant the words to hurt, old defense mechanisms asserting themselves, but Caduceus just nodded thoughtfully. Now that she could see better, Beau realized he wasn’t wearing his armor, some sort of green silk robe covering his usual shirt and pants. She wondered if it was warm.

“I didn’t know that was the word for it,” he said. “This city is nice, but all the nighttime sounds are the wrong kinds of sounds for sleeping. Graveyards though, they all have the same sort of quiet. It’s familiar. It’s comforting.” He looked at her. “What’s comforting for you?”

“Drinking,” Beau said quickly. “Fighting. Sex, if I can get some.”

“You find comfort in things that hurt you,” Caduceus said slowly. Beau listened for any sign of judgment in his tone, but he sounded like he was sincerely trying to wrap his head around the idea. “Well, except for the uhhh, sex I suppose.”

“Well, I mean, there’s some times when—“ Beau closed her eyes. She was _not_ going to discuss her sex life with Caduceus while standing in a graveyard, she _wasn’t. “_ Listen, it… sometimes I can’t stop thinking about shit, so I go and find something to distract myself with so I don’t have to think anymore.”

Caduceus nodded. “So you went and got drunk and got into a fight on purpose?”

“Yeah.” Beau still waited for Caduceus to sound disappointed, but instead he just seemed curious.

“Did it help?”

_“Did it help?”_ Molly’s voice echoed in Beau’s memories. He had been about to stitch up the cut on her forehead, she remembered that. He hadn’t sounded judgmental either. He had understood what it was like when the thoughts in your head got too loud.

Beau shivered, and not just because she was cold. “Not nearly as much as I wanted it to.”

“We should have this conversation somewhere warmer, I think,” Caduceus said, and before Beau knew it he was taking off his robe and settling it around her shoulders. It was way too big of course, and smelled earthy, like the forest after it had rained.

_She was on the ground, an arrow sticking out of her back, every breath a struggle. Molly was kneeling next to her, and when he took off his coat to lay it over her, she could see the blood streaming down his side._

_She was in the graveyard, high as balls and seeing the ghost of the person her parents had wanted her to be, the boy she never had been. When she had come back to herself, Molly’s coat had been around her shoulders, too large and smelling like incense and old blood and that weird smoky tea he drank._

“I feel like I’m being haunted.”

Beau didn’t realize she had said that out loud until Caduceus’s eyes flashed, his face tense for a moment before he relaxed.

“Everything reminds me of Molly,” Beau continued, trying and failing to hold back the tide of words. The weight in her chest was back. “All this,” she flung her arms wide. “Even you. And it’s not _fair._ ” It was a childish statement, but she couldn’t help it, it was true. “It wasn’t my fault he died, I _know_ that. There wasn’t anything I could do for him afterwards, I know that too! He was dead and our friends were alive! Even if we had ridden straight back to Hupperdook or Zadash and found _someone_ to heal him there, our friends still would have been in chains!” She remembered the still form of Jester, bound and gagged, of Fjord’s desperate eyes, the wounds Yasha had suffered. “What if we had gone back to Shady Creek and they had all been _sold_ and we couldn’t find them? We made the right choice, I _know_ we did!”

Beau’s eyes filled with angry, frustrated tears. “And now I can’t look at Jester because I know that smile is a mask, and I don’t want her to see how upset I am because she’s already been through so much, you know? And Yasha is gone, and Fjord went who the hell knows where and what if this is it? What if this is the thing that drives us all apart? We were just starting to feel like—“ _Like a family_ is what she wanted to say, but the words stuck in her throat and came out as a sob instead. Her fists were clenched as if she was going to punch someone and the only person in front of her was Caduceus, and he had done nothing to her. She couldn’t hit the world, or the gods, destiny or fate or whatever had sent them down that road, that path, the one that had ended in death.

There were arms around her, huge and gentle. Beau could have easily broken out of the hug if she had wanted to, but she was so damn tired, and she could count on one hand how many times she had been held when she had needed it in her whole life. Instead she let herself be held closer, Caduceus’s warm breath ruffling her hair as he bent over her. If he minded her crying on him, he gave her no sign.

“All of you suffered a great loss,” Caduceus said softly. “It is a raw wound, and it will take some time to heal. But it _will_ heal. It might ache from time to time, and there might be a scar, but the pain _will_ lessen.” He sounded so certain, as if it by saying it, it would be so. She felt magic flow from his hands and into her, soothing the pain, knitting flesh and easing swelling. “You all risked so much to come back together. This won’t be the thing that divides you.”

Beau felt the weight of grief on her heart grow lighter as her tears slowed. Was it divine magic doing that, or was it the more simple, mundane magic of Caduceus’s words, spoken with conviction? “I’m glad you’re here. I wish— we had met under better circumstances.”

“That would have been nice,” Caduceus said. “I would have liked to have known your friend. Jester’s been telling me stories.”

Beau lifted her head. “Jester… fuck, I shouldn’t have left her alone. She hates being alone. I hope she’s still asleep.”

Together they walked back to the tavern, Beau having to hold up the end of the impossibly long robe to keep from tripping over it, but refusing to take it off until she was back inside. It really was warm, and the weight of it was comforting in a strange way, she almost missed it when she took it off and handed it back to Caduceus. “Thank you. For… you know. All that.”

“You’re very welcome,” Caduceus said as he took the robe back from her. “The next time you need to distract yourself, you could always come to me. We could try m—“

“Meditation doesn’t really work for me,” Beau said quickly.

“I was going to say mushrooms,” Caduceus replied. “I have some very distracting and pleasant varieties for when life gets to be a bit… much.”

Beau startled herself by laughing, and she was still smiling as she crept though the dark bedroom. Molly _definitely_ would have liked Caduceus. Or at least, some aspects of Caduceus.

“Beau?” Jester’s voice was thick with sleep as she sat up in bed.

Caught. Crap. “Hey Jess. Go back to sleep, I didn’t mean to wake you up. Just needed to go for a walk and clear my head a little.” It wasn’t a _total_ lie.

“You didn’t wake me up. I— just had a really not great dream, that’s all.”

The room was dark for the most part, but a bit of light from the streetlamp outside made Jester’s blue eyes shine like a cat’s. Beau aimed for that glow. She thought about how it had felt to talk to Caduceus, painful but good all at once. “Do you want to ummmmm talk about it?”

“Can I have a hug?” Jester asked, in a small voice that hurt Beau’s heart. Jester didn’t _ask_ for hugs, or at least she never had before. She just threw herself at people and trusted they would be there for her to throw her arms around.

“Yeah, sure, of course!” Beau said and sat on the edge of Jester’s bed just in time to find herself with her arms full of tiefling.

“It was dark,” Jester said, her voice muffled by Beau’s shoulder. “It was dark and I couldn’t see anything and I couldn’t move just like… just like when I was all chained up. And then Molly— Molly was there and he was yelling at me, because I hadn’t saved him.”

Beau didn’t have healing magic or a voice that anyone would call soothing, not like the deep rumble of Caduceus’s voice, but she tried her best. “Well that’s how you know it was just a dream. Molly would never be mad at you, not ever. He never would have wanted to make you sad.”

Jester sniffled. “You think so?”

“Of course I do.” She let herself hold Jester a little tighter. “He always tried to cheer people up. He never would have blamed you for what happened to him.” _Or me._ _He never would have blamed me._ “It was just a dream.”

“I just wish everyone was here. You know? I miss him. And Yasha. And Fjord.”

“I miss him too,” Beau said, and it was true, of course it was. “I’m here though, and Caleb’s here, and Nott and Frumpkin and Caduceus. You messaged Yasha and told her where we were, right?”

Jester nodded and almost clocked Beau with one of her horns. “She didn’t answer me really? But it felt like she heard me.”

“So she’ll know how to find us when she’s ready,” Beau assured her. “And Fjord….” Damn Fjord for leaving without even writing a damn _note._

“He’ll come back,” Jester said, and she sounded sure, like Caduceus had been sure, so Beau let it go. Jester had known Fjord longer than anyone else, after all. “I think he just needed to work out some things. Like… past things. If he doesn’t come back soon, I’ll message him.”

“All right,” Beau said, fighting not to yawn. _Now_ she was tired. Past tired, really. “Do you feel better?”

“Yeah.” Jester looked up at her. “Could you…. I know your bed is just over there, and it’s not that far away and all, but… could you stay? With me?”

“Sure. Yeah, sure, no problem,” Beau said a little too quickly. She could barely make out Jester’s smile in the dark, but it looked more genuine than any smile the tiefling had worn since being freed from the Iron Shepherds.

When Beau opened her eyes in the morning, the only weight on her chest was that of Jester’s arms wrapped around her, one hand splayed over her heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm angel-ascending on Tumblr and angel_in_ink on Twitter if y'all want to stop by and say hi!


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